


Mary Sue's Ugly Divorce

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Canon - Non-canonical to good purpose, Canon - Solves frequent reader complaint, Characters - Family Dynamics, Characters - New interpretation, Characters - OOC to good purpose, Characters - Unusual relationship(s), Humor, Plot - Joy, Post-War of the Ring, Writing - Clear prose, Writing - Engaging style, Writing - Good use of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 09:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3762626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A very fact-based, well-written, canonical parody of Mary Sue. Why would a Mary Sue want to divorce her husband? And how it would turn out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mary Sue's Ugly Divorce

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

Finally, the judge re-entered the chambers, having made his decision. "All  
rise, oyez, oyez; the Court of Interdimensional Limbo is now in session,  
the Hon. William Topaz McGonagall presiding. Now hearing the case of  
Prince Legolas vs. Princess Legolas." Cried the Bailiff. Judge  
McGonagall banged his gavel, everyone present sat. The Princess (formerly  
known as Ms. Mary Sue) hung her exquisite head, inspiring her besotted  
young lawyer to awkwardly pat her hand. The Prince looked unnaturally  
serene, considering he was being sued for divorce, alimony, custody of his  
children, and child support. Behind him, a large coterie of elves (and one  
dwarf) glared at Mary Sue with undisguised loathing.

Two pointy-eared toddlers, a boy and a girl, wandered vaguely from one  
parent to the other.

"In one respect, this case presents no difficulty. Never in all my years  
on the bench have I seen such an clear-cut case of irreconcilable  
differences that neither time nor counseling will cure. The litigants are  
of widely different backgrounds, ages, species, social classes, time  
periods, technological understanding, educational levels, and life  
expectancy. They wish to reside in different time periods and  
civilizations; Ms. Sue wishes to resume her pre-marital consumer lifestyle,  
Prince Legolas wishes to remain a hunter-gatherer.

"They are unable to agree on common standards for any of the following:  
food preparation - Ms. Sue objects to butchering her husband's kill...  
forms of transportation - Ms. Sue cannot ride bareback; acceptable levels  
of temperature or light - Ms. Sue cannot see by the starlight which the  
elves love better than the light of sun or moon, and finds bathing in icy  
mountain streams unacceptable... Ms. Sue was raised among clocks, believes  
in punctuality, and has found it impossible to live among people who ignore  
time as elves do - mistaking a month gone by for a week and so on. And  
since the birth of the two children the differences have only worsened -  
Ms. Sue feels that an Elf with a family to support should care more for  
getting a job than the call of the sea, while the Prince considers paid  
employment incompatible with his royal status.

"Ms. Sue has also declared herself unable to tolerate the absence of  
filtered cigarettes, indoor plumbing, automobiles, disposable diapers, TV,  
supermarkets, mascara, air travel, public libraries, reliable mail,  
refrigeration, antibiotics, diet sodas, telephones, pens and pencils,  
electric lights, tampons, any number of hair-care products, recorded music,  
and especially birth control" Mary Sue clutched her two children to her  
and struck a Madonna's pose, while the one of children stared vacantly at  
the judge and the other drooled. "...none of which are available in her  
husband's domicile of Middle-Earth.

"The court has heard the story of how Ms. Sue fell into Middle-Earth,  
landing during the Council of Elrond; how she accompanied Prince Legolas on  
a quest, fell in love and conceived their eldest child during said quest  
(as birth control is unavailable in Middle-Earth), and how they married at  
the first opportunity - with no family in attendance." Sitting directly  
behind Legolas, King Thranduil glared daggers at Mary Sue. He had no love  
for humans, and hated having an anachronistic human for a daughter-in-law  
from the first. "Said marriage lasted for three years ten months, and has  
produced two children but has been dissolving into acrimony almost since it  
began - even when jointly undertaken Heroic Quests are not widely  
considered to form a sound basis for matrimony, and so it has proved in  
this case.

"The decree of divorce will be effective as soon as the clerk of the court  
finishes writing up the papers and both parties affix their signatures, the  
usual waiting periods will be waived as the litigants wish to take up  
immediate residence in separate realities." Sue mimed a sob, and Legolas  
(and all this supporters) smiled with open relief.

"As to the particulars of the settlement... First, the court cannot grant  
Ms. Sue's request for spousal support."

"WHAT! But he's a Prince! He has..." Cried Mary Sue. The judged banged  
his gavel, while Prince Legolas favored the courtroom with a look of  
sublime innocence and King Thranduil smirked.

"There will be order in the court! In spite of Prince Legolas' royal title  
he and status as Lord of Ithilien has no significant marital or even non-  
marital property. His position as Savior Of Middle-Earth is unsalaried,  
and 'his' land of Ithilien is officially the property of King Elessar and  
is actually administered by Prince Faramir. Prince Legolas is in fact  
financially dependent on his father and others; Ms. Sue has no claim on  
assets belonging to the Crown of Mirkwood, the Crown of Gondor, or the  
Principality of Ithilien.

"But my babies! How will we survive!" The judge ignored her, except for  
another bang of the gavel.

"The couple has already divided such community property as they possess,  
with the bulk going to the Prince as Ms. Sue is returning to a lifestyle  
where leather clothing and Medieval weaponry have little relevance.

"Princess Legolas has also voluntarily surrendered all titles she gained by  
her marriage, including 'Princess' and 'Her Royal Highness' and will  
hereafter be known by her maiden name of Ms. Mary Sue." King Thranduil  
allowed himself a small but extremely triumphant smile.

"As to the custody of the two children, this is a difficult case. Normally  
when there is no question of abuse the court would wish to make some sort  
of joint custody arrangement; or to at least arrange regular visiting  
rights for the non-custodial parent. But as Prince Legolas and Ms. Sue  
wish to sever communications and live in different realities, and both have  
filed for sole custody... the court has no choice but to award full custody  
to one and *only one* parent.

"As there is no accusation of abuse, the court is required to base its  
decision on which parent is best able to meet the children's needs.

"Prince Legolas is able to offer the children eternal life, royal status,  
access to their grandfather's fortune, a large and *extremely* stable  
extended family, the company of other Peredhil, and eventual placement in  
Paradise - commonly known as Valinor. Ms. Sue is mortal, an impoverished  
orphan who is bravely working her way through college; she is barely able  
to provide for herself and cannot possibly support two dependents - much  
less pay for the elective ear surgery that would be necessary were these  
children to be raised in modern Earth." Ms. Sue's widened with fear and  
she clutched her lawyer's arm anxiously, causing him to break into a sweat.  
"Moreover His Highness' occupation of Hero has flexible hours and he will  
be able to devote a great deal of time to his children - whereas Ms. Sue's  
fall into Middle-Earth and subsequent adventures have caused her college to  
place her on Academic Probation and she will need to devote most of the  
foreseeable future to her studies.

Mary Sue began to sob "No... no... it's not possible...", but the judge  
only raised his voice to cover the whining.

"The court finds that it is clearly in the best interests of the children  
to award sole legal and physical custody to Prince Legolas..."

"NOOOO!!!!"

The judge raised his voice to a Stentorian level, he'd had a lot of  
practice at making himself heard over screams of outrage. "He is better  
able to provide for their financial, emotional, and educational well-being;  
and to meet their special needs as half-Elven children."

"MY BABIES!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Ms. Sue of course will have visitation rights, on such future occasions as  
she finds herself unexpectedly falling in to Middle-Earth." Ms. Sue  
shrieked when she heard that, and jumped at Legolas.

As the judge banged his gavel and roared about "contempt of court" and the  
bailiffs tried to pry Mary Sue's hands off of Legolas' throat, King  
Thranduil picked up both sobbing children and whispered to them.

"Hush, my darlings, forget that silly woman. As soon as we're back home  
I'll take you to the toy-market of Dale and buy you anything you want!"

The children stopped crying. "'um got Barbie?" Simpered the little girl,  
naked greed in her eyes.

"They shall have anything you wish them to have! The merchants of Dale  
will do anything for me, they know that nothing's too good for my family,  
nothing!" He picked the children up and carried them out, muttering under  
his breath "Look how much gold I spent on your daddy's lawyer!"

"And the accountants who hid your daddy's assets! Gitchy-gitchy-goo-  
gum..." Added Gimli, reaching up to tickle the smaller child.

"Not to mention the judge's good will!" Elf-king and dwarf shared a  
knowing look with each other, and then the judge. "Nothing's too good for  
my family, nothing. Guards! Remove that... *person* from my son's throat,  
and throw her back into her own dimension!"

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is not intended to satirize any particular author or  
character, but to be a blanket indictment of ALL Fellowship-bothering,  
cookie-cutter Mary-Sues - even the ones who didn't fall in from Modern  
Earth.

 

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Possible sequels include "Mary-Sue's 40th Birthday", "Mary-  
Sue Gets Pregnant In Mid-Quest", "Mary-Sue Faints at the Sight of Blood",  
"Mary-Sue's Husband Takes A Mistress", "Mary-Sue's First Sword-Fight",  
"Mary-Sue Gets an STD", and "Mary-Sue Catches Her Husband In Mid-Slash".  
Sure, it's cruel - but look how much suffering she herself has inflicted!

Or possibly not.

If you feel like writing any of the above yourself, e-mail me and ask if  
I'm working on any of the above, because I probably won't be and would be  
delighted if someone would spare me the time and trouble.

Hopefully I'll be working on a "serious" effort instead, a longish  
whodunnit set in Mirkwood. I love Murder Mysteries and there are hardly  
any to be found here at ff.net - probably because they're complicated and  
are much harder to write than girl/Fellowship tales, drippy romances - or  
snotty satires. (Encourage me if you like whodunnits, or at least  
recommend some existing ones, if there are any besides the wonderful

"Caverns of Mirkwood".)

 

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, after Mary Sue married Prince Legolas her official  
title would be "Princess Legolas", not "Princess Mary" as she married into  
the title and did not inherit it in her own right - at least under the  
modern English system.

So what if Prof. Tolkien didn't have the inhabitants of Middle-Earth use  
said modern system and made do with the odd "sire" instead of laying out a  
proper system of titles and forms of address!

 

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh yeah - please review. And, as always, this is more  
Canon than you'd think.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"irreconcilable differences have arisen that neither time nor counseling  
will cure" "community property" "martital property, community property,  
and separate (non-marital) property" "no-fault" "spousal support" "sole  
legal custody"

who pays the expenses of the court? Princey?


End file.
